I've made a lot of mistakes in my 20's. I guess that's a popular time to make them. Today's "coming of age" seems to be a little later in life. Because of my conservative, legalistic, & religious background- it had been ingrained in me to be good. And if I wasn't good- I sure as hell didn't want anyone to know about it. Then there's the side of me that was growing & learning who I was & who I wanted to be.. so I was trying my hardest to grow away from some of the conservative, legalistic side. And yes, I took it too far sometimes. But I was learning to embrace grace. To admit faults & know that my mistakes were covered.
Then there were some mistakes that just seemed too deep. Too much. Too dark to admit to the world around me.
I found myself fighting and I just could not win on my own, though I tried many times. When the opportunity came up to move to Tennessee with my job, I weighed the pro's & con's. An area of the country I have ALWAYS wanted to live, not much holding me back.. the usual reasons that loved ones knew about. What they didn't know- was that this was also a way I could see to start fresh. To know that I can't run away from my problems- but I can give myself a second chance at starting over.
So I took it.
One month before I was set to move I was offered a chance, with my job, to stay. Wow- all of the scary parts of moving were gone for that moment. A possible promotion with my job that I think I would love & excel at. I wouldn't have to sell my condo. I wouldn't have to find new friends. But I was worried that I would not have the strength to walk away from my already destructive path if I stayed. I remember sharing the news of the possible promotion with my Dad. Without skipping a beat, he said that for some reason he felt like this was the enemy- that God was leading me to Nashville. To be honest, part of his words sounded comical to me. Why would Satan be behind me staying in Jersey?! But deep down I knew, my Dad was spot on. I knew I could not pursue the chance to stay. I had to go. And it was the best decision I could have made for myself.
It was a new beginning.
With this fresh start came a cost. I left my friends & family. I'm paying double on my housing bills right now. I'm working in a brand new restaurant that has many kinks to still work out. I'm alone, working hard, & living on a very tight budget. But every time these things get me down, I remember that it is still all worth it.
Maybe this wasn't the only way to start new. Maybe if I had found the courage to share my struggles with some close ones around me at the time- that they could've helped me through it without having to move. But fear got the best of me. I didn't know how to open up about it. And this is the path I chose. Honestly though, I'm happy with my path. I got a whole new adventure out of it. I'm still learning about myself. As my best friend put it to me recently- I'm a different Bethany than I was when she met me 8 years ago... but I'm who I'm supposed to be. I'm discovering who I was created to be. And it's a beautiful, messy journey that I'm embracing with open arms.
Then there were some mistakes that just seemed too deep. Too much. Too dark to admit to the world around me.
I found myself fighting and I just could not win on my own, though I tried many times. When the opportunity came up to move to Tennessee with my job, I weighed the pro's & con's. An area of the country I have ALWAYS wanted to live, not much holding me back.. the usual reasons that loved ones knew about. What they didn't know- was that this was also a way I could see to start fresh. To know that I can't run away from my problems- but I can give myself a second chance at starting over.
So I took it.
One month before I was set to move I was offered a chance, with my job, to stay. Wow- all of the scary parts of moving were gone for that moment. A possible promotion with my job that I think I would love & excel at. I wouldn't have to sell my condo. I wouldn't have to find new friends. But I was worried that I would not have the strength to walk away from my already destructive path if I stayed. I remember sharing the news of the possible promotion with my Dad. Without skipping a beat, he said that for some reason he felt like this was the enemy- that God was leading me to Nashville. To be honest, part of his words sounded comical to me. Why would Satan be behind me staying in Jersey?! But deep down I knew, my Dad was spot on. I knew I could not pursue the chance to stay. I had to go. And it was the best decision I could have made for myself.
It was a new beginning.
With this fresh start came a cost. I left my friends & family. I'm paying double on my housing bills right now. I'm working in a brand new restaurant that has many kinks to still work out. I'm alone, working hard, & living on a very tight budget. But every time these things get me down, I remember that it is still all worth it.
Maybe this wasn't the only way to start new. Maybe if I had found the courage to share my struggles with some close ones around me at the time- that they could've helped me through it without having to move. But fear got the best of me. I didn't know how to open up about it. And this is the path I chose. Honestly though, I'm happy with my path. I got a whole new adventure out of it. I'm still learning about myself. As my best friend put it to me recently- I'm a different Bethany than I was when she met me 8 years ago... but I'm who I'm supposed to be. I'm discovering who I was created to be. And it's a beautiful, messy journey that I'm embracing with open arms.
